At that time, I did not have answers to what ailed me. Most doctor's told me I was healthy for my age and time period of my life "menopause". In my heart, I knew this was not menopause and I was just about to succumb to a lackluster life being the new normal. I stumbled upon my last chance when my gynecologist sent me to see a reproductive endocrinologist to determine if it was safe for me to use hormone replacement to try and restore balance in my world with my complicated medical history. I have been told I am complicated, quirky, and the odd one out. After most doctors who should have followed the blood trail wrote me off, my last chance doctor drew a timeline on his desk, listened intensely and connected the dots. He determined that I was suffering from CD8 T-cell exhaustion most likely from a chronic viral infection and determined I needed a new line of defense to normalize this Immune/Inflammation Dysfunction. My life has been filled with a rigorous regimen of vitamins, supplements, medications, high protein diet, and evening bouts of exercise to try and balance the abnormal things going on in my body.
It is hard to separate the mental from the physical in this state but the lab tests have been the proof that there was an underlying cause to the way I was feeling (and reassurance I was not crazy) and it is the ticket back to health seeing the labs normalize during this process. Finding new energy. There is no miracle cure for what ails me as this condition will always be something I am probably managing, but trying to distinguish what is fatigue from the condition vs fatigue due to being deconditioned is tricky and the fear that pushing myself too hard will cause a setback weighs heavily on my mind.
I think we are moving in the right direction because I have had sparks of hope and desire to get back in action. I do think I needed the separation from triathlon regardless of there being a physical reason for the diminishing level of performance and loss of energy. I needed to get back to the roots of moving for fun and fitness vs. it being an obsession and appreciating the opportunity to experience a workout for the sheer way it makes you feel with sweat cleansing your body and your mind becomes just a little bit clearer. 3 months ago, 30 minutes of moving was like lifting a 100 lb weight over my head while today I feel just a little bit lighter.
I may race again, but it will have different meaning the next time. There will be a greater appreciation for just being there and not getting tied up in the competitive nature of it all. I love not having a schedule and finding a friend who wants to go take a hike and is not bound by their contract to complete a certain mileage or a certain time. Not to say I will never go back there because once a competitor, it is always in your blood and although my blood is missing some important key players, it is still what nourishes my body and soul. I work out now because I "feel" like it, not because I have to. I did fire up my new Garmin 920xl as I have not collected data in over a year. Maybe that is a sign.
What will 2016 bring for a turtle with no wings. I guess learning to fly again begins with desire and that is where the new year begins. I don't think I believe in resolutions or for that matter what tomorrow will bring. May you appreciate every opportunity you have to do what you love. When the opportunity is taken away, may you find the strength and perseverance to find a new outlook and maybe find wings that will take you to an unexpected place. At least tri, that is what I do! PEACE AND LOVE for the New Year.
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