As my son is on the beginning of his journey to figure out what he wants to do when he grows up (more specifically what direction he will go after high school), I find myself eerily in the same position as I try to come up with a plan for what I am going to do with the next phase of my life. I have taken an early retirement from my career as a pediatric physical therapist for the time being, but I am too busy going to yoga class and cramming for a triathlon that I have not made much progress. I am distracted and lack focus to really truly find my passion but my gut tells me it is probably staring me right in the face.
It is much like cleaning my house, I am always trying to clear away the clutter and never quite get to the hard cleaning as we find ourselves buried in the non stop cycle of junk mail and other STUFF that just piles up. My house is so dirty, that I need professional help at this point. (Not much different then my life.) I have been on a de-cluttering mission hoping it will help me focus and finally find a niche.
Let me first give credit where credit is due. My husband works very hard and shoulders the burden of taking care of our family and helping our only son pursue the career path of his choice which we are hoping includes a college education. We have always had the luxury of my career being flexible so I could be available to take our son to his various activities. He has been so lucky to have all the opportunities to shape him into an amazing and talented young man. I don't think we would change a thing as far as making that happen for him. As most teens do, he is trying very hard to break out of his cocoon and become his own independent unit, but he realizes that this takes a bigger income and a mode of transportation.
For a mother, it can be a painful process watching your little person sprout their wings and get ready to fly away. You grieve for the little child who giggled and smiled all the time as you spent every moment teaching and enriching their life for the first 5 years and then passing on the torch to their teachers, mentors and peers to help them soar. I too, have been under the influence of many great people who have helped this turtle fly! Sometimes when your life takes you to high places, your engine breaks down and you may find yourself crashing to the ground.
My absence from my blog only shows that I have been absent in life. It is hard to find balance between being fully committed to something and having freedom to do as one pleases. Ironman is an amazing experience, but for me it comes at a high price and I am not sure I want to experience the long recoveries any time in the near future. I guess for some this love lasts forever and for others it waxes and wains. When all your friends are made of Iron it does start to lose its appeal or maybe you start to think it is not as hard as it once used to be, however, once you complete an Ironman and you wake up from your dream world, you can't imagine how you ever did it. Perhaps people do them over and over again to keep the memory alive. I have to pinch myself now every time I see an upcoming race and remind myself that I don't need to sign up for a race to be great. Once you cross the finish line, nobody can take that moment away from you. Chances are that you were probably already great to begin with, but this experience may confirm it for you in case you did not already know that.
Triathlon is a great experiment in focus, dedication, and commitment. The aftermath of long distance racing is what I am still dealing with. It is like eating too much of a good thing and having a stomach ache that lasts a long time. Lack of energy and motivation slowed down any future in being competitive in sport for myself. Despite being advised to take a year off, I could not totally abandon the three sports that I love. I have been training A LA CART style to try and muster up enough fitness to make my Oceanside 70.3 into a fun training day. I have to work on my state of mind to pump up the volume for a few weeks to make it a more pleasant day and prepare for the challenges that I might face. I have finally reached a more solid base and I am still carrying around too much post Ironman weight. Triathlon is an expensive sport and I wish I could buy more time!
I look forward to celebrating the spirit of triathlon with my club in 25 days. I am coming to terms to accept where I am the day of the race and whatever will be, will be.
I am already looking forward to returning from Oceanside and rebuilding my engine without the pressure of a pending race! I hope to re-create myself in a sense because I am not happy with the present condition that I find myself in.
I hope that I am on the path of self discovery and finding out what I want to be at 50. Hop on my shell if you want to find out where my path leads me to. For right now, we shall travel by foot until I learn to fly again.
